Will the 'Cycle' Be Unbroken?

Just recently a friend & I were discussing the funny, but true fact that you can't pick your relatives, but you can pick your friends. We spoke a little about the 'strange birds' in our own families. Then he told me about a movie that he remembered seeing several years ago that was the perfect example of that very fact- “we can't pick our family”. He highly recommended for me to see it. Since I first watched it a week ago, I have already seen it 3 other times this past week. It's one of those few movies of this century I give the 'WOW' rating. It gives several all too familiar scenarios of how unhealthy (and sometimes destructive) 'cycles' in families continue down the generation line until (if ever) is broken.

Watching this great movie, “City By the Sea,” is one of those movies that made me really 'think' about my own personal life experiences. I use my failures as a learning tool for others and building blocks for me. Although my experiences are nothing compared with the problems the main characters, Vincent and Joey are faced with, I have lived through my own personal 'cycle' that to this day, I am still growing from.

But what is 'The Cycle' exactly? It could be a vast number of things. People who grow up in dysfunctional family environments have difficulty setting boundaries to take care of themselves. This is how 'cycles' begin. Setting boundaries is one way to to ease the tension in our day to day lives with not only family, but with friends and co-workers too. First of all, what does it mean to set a boundary? It means that I respect myself and I will protect myself from inappropriate behavior. It means that I will use those boundaries to foster behavior that I need and desire. It means that I have set a physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual “space.” What boundaries are not walls. But in order for this to work, we have to make a commitment to uphold what is right and true for ourselves.

In the movie Joey makes the excuse that he has the violent 'genes' of his grandfather, Angelo who was convicted and executed for the murder of a kidnapping gone wrong. Joey's father, Vincent grows up without the love, support and positive guidance of his dad. After Vincent is married, Joey is old enough to remember his father hitting his mom when they would argue, his mom has an affair and his dad walks out the door when Joey is a small boy. By the time he is an adult, Joey is out on the streets doing drugs, staying drunk and gets convicted of murder. Then like his father, Joey walks out on his young son. Do you all see where I am going with this? See this 'Cycle'? When there is no intervention, there can be no healing. When there are no boundaries set, things will like a domino effect, continue out of control on down the family line.

Nobody, of course is perfect. And of course there are more and likely relatives in your own family whom you can't stand, those who are strange (you wonder if they might have been switched at birth) or have done something/s that has given the family a bad name. In that case, many families who have experienced or are going through this now; a horrible past that created a legacy that you wish could be erased, are either not mindfully aware they are keeping that poisonous 'legacy' alive, they are afraid of changing the behavior or they make excuses like “it's in my genes”. It is also partly a lack of understanding in society and educating oneself about the actions that keep the 'cycle' going- how to cope, manage and break those traits that have been 'passed down.' Because we are human and for no other reason, we have certain rights. However, each right carries with it a responsibility and a boundary.

We often do not know it, but did you know that we create our own 'cycles'? I define a 'cycle' as burdens. A great example of how we can stop our personal 'cycles' is by reading and understanding “The Serenity Prayer.” Do you really know what the Serenity Prayer is really talking about?

God grant me the serenity (this word meaning calm, tranquil & peaceful)

to accept the things I cannot change;
What are things I cannot Change? First of all, and I know this is difficult for many, but we cannot change people. We cannot change the way they feel about themselves. We cannot change their behaviors & their beliefs. We can encourage a person to change the way they feel about themselves (and others). We can encourage them to change their behavior or beliefs. But to try and change a person, going to great lengths to accomplish such a thing is a burden that we have created ourselves. I know this from experience.

I, myself, didn't realize that I was the one making myself miserable until a close friend of mine bluntly pointed this out to me. The first time I had ever heard of that word 'boundary,' was when I became overly concerned about his own life. I didn't like a few of his friends because I felt they were a bad influence on him. I felt this dire need to 'protect' my friend from getting hurt. In so many ways, I could see my brother in him and I didn't want him to make similar mistakes that he was already making in his own life. When my friend finally had enough of the constant exhausting 'concern' from me, he told me we are parting ways because I crossed too many boundaries. I expected too much of him, I didn't recognize that everyone has their own gift to contribute to our friendships, I was sometimes brutal with some of the comments I made to him about these friends I questioned. I had become judgmental and obsessed with worry that he was destroying his life.

Thus, I created my own unhealthy 'cycle'. He already has a sister and a mom that express their concerns about these friends of his and the questionable influence they have already made on him. What he needed from me in return was to just be a friend. Although the 'ways' of these friends are not consistent of living the Christian life that he talks about that he is, these things were of no concern of mine to try and 'change' him. To encourage is one thing, but to try and change a person is completely not acceptable no matter if the 'change' would be right or wrong for the well being.

For over a year this continued. I was so wrapped up in the 'cycle' that I had caused, I didn't realize why he become such a jerk to me on a regular basis, distant and sometimes cruel. Our conversations were no longer fun and our association was stressful all the time. When our friendship ended, we both said some things to each other that I wish could be taken back. If I had been aware of his boundaries, I would've never allowed my friend to cross mine. I had never defined for myself what mine are. Our friendship become something that we felt had to walk on pins and needles around each other. I miss this friend so much and I pray to this day that he and I, if God's Will allows it, to start over on a clean slate. I have already accepted that he may never be in my life again. I accept this difficult lesson learned and have moved on. God 'assigned' him certain gifts to offer our friendship; I never appreciated him enough because I was too 'involved' in his life to even notice.

I grew up in a dysfunctional home, but didn't ever know what it meant to set boundaries. Nobody in my family had any that I was aware of. I often wonder if there were some boundaries set, the Rogers household would've been more loving, respectful, accepting and securer to live in.


courage to change the things I can;

What kind of things would I need courage changing? Think of it this way, what things should be changed? For me, to continue my journey to a better me, I have the courage to change how I take care of myself. I have added exercise and become aware of food choices. I showed the courage when I had a meticulous surgery done in 2008 for Endometriosis. Since I have taken that first step to 'change' for better health, most of the health problems that disabled me most of my life have been resolved. I am continuing that 'courage' by getting my type 2 diabetes in control and loosing the weight that was put on during those years of sickness. I will have surgery that will make me more successful to live a longer and more productive life this month, which in turn I will have to learn before hand what I can and can't eat with Lap Band.

Other things that should (and can be changed) is the crisis going on in the Gulf, our monkey health care system and circus type governments we have. Everyday, people are trying to stop smoking, stop drinking or to change some kind of unhealthy behavior. People who stand up for animal rights, environmental concerns, volunteering in the community for an organization are things that take 'courage' to change.

and wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

I hope that this writing makes sense to you all. It was a challenge to write this because anytime we dig way deep in ourselves, we tend to dig where we haven't been before or discovered a place that we haven't had the 'courage' to take care of. It was a blessing and therapeutic that I wrote this. I hope it will be a blessing to you. And if you love drama and you are a fan of Robert DeNiro, watch “City By The Sea.” You'll be glad you did.


Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6