People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When we know which one it is, we will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in our life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need we have expressed. They have come to assist us through a difficulty, to provide us with guidance and support, to aid us physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason we need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on our part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force us to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into our life for a SEASON, because our turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring us an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach us something we have never done. They usually give us an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!
LIFETIME relationships teach us lifetime lessons, things we must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Our job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Perception and Reality, is there really a difference?
This is one of my favorite writings from my friend Naz. He is such a talented writer. He writes truth and doesn't stumble on telling it; when he speaks he is straightforward and I really appreciate that attribute in people His writings are all his, all original. ~Liz
As the story is told a young boy appears before his father with tears in his eyes. His father, a caring man asks his young son what’s the matter? The young boy tells his father that he has a paper due at school and is struggling mightily because he just can’t find the answers he needs and is afraid he will fail.
His father tells his young son to settle down, explain his problem and he assures him that he can help.
The boy wipes the tears from his eyes and explains to his dad that he needs to write a paper about the difference between perception and reality and he just can’t figure out the difference. Every time he thinks he knows he realizes that what he thought was true really was not.
His father tells his young son not to worry as the answer he seeks is really quite simple. He tells his son that his mom is down in the laundry room doing some laundry and tells him to go down and ask his mom if she would sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars.
A few moments later the young boy appears before his father and says mom said sure. The father smiles and tells his son his older sister is up in her room doing homework adding he should poke his head in her room and ask her the same question.
A few moments later the young boy returns to tell his father that his sister said yes as well.
So the father sits his young son down and tells him to listen carefully.
Son, the perception is we are millionaires; the reality is we live with a couple of sluts!
I never got a lot of advice growing up but one thing I was told was that it matters not what you really do, what matters is what people perceive you to do. I know many who will vehemently disagree with that advice but when you really look at it is it good or bad advice?
A corporation has a policy that states dating between co-workers is grounds for termination. A male and female employee enjoy each other’s company and conversation and find themselves going to lunch together every day. In no time at all the perception in the office is the two are having an affair. The reality is they are just friends and do nothing but talk and eat at lunch. Perception gets them terminated.
The difference between perception and reality often times gets so skewed that we ourselves begin to believe the perception we have and before we know it we think it’s reality.
Our perception is that the economy is horrible, everything that can go wrong is going wrong, and frankly our life just not fair right now. The reality is thousands of people just lost their lives and loved ones in an earthquake in Haiti and we should feel thankful that we were not there at the time.
Our perception is our boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, or significant other is totally in love with us and we will live happily ever after. The reality is they are in love alright but with somebody else.
I could go on and one with example after example and the perception would be that I make a great point but the reality is I’m not saying anything you don’t already know.
The difference between perception and reality is actually so important that two people can look at the very same set of circumstances and because their perception of what happened is different they have diametrically opposed opinions of what they believe to be true.
My father, may he rest in peace, and I did not speak for years. We were and are two hard headed Italians neither willing to give on our opinion of what we believed and neither willing to see the others point of view. My perception was my father didn’t care what happened to me, didn’t have time for me, was selfish, and only cared about him. His perception was I was a hard headed kid that didn’t want to listen, thought he was always right, and wouldn’t take his advice even if he gave it so why bother.
The reality turned out to be that what my father wanted was for me to learn to be independent, strong, and able to take of myself so his indifference or what I perceived to be his uncaring was really nothing more than his way to force me to think my problems through and figure out the solutions myself whereby learning not to rely on others to make it through life.
Many of you who know me know that I have a brother that has been a lifelong drug addict in and out of jail, shelters, and living on the streets. My perception of him has always been he was lazy, spineless, and ran away from life’s challenges via a bottle be it alcohol or drugs. His perception was that society didn’t understand him, he didn’t fit in, and he could not get along with people. The reality is, now that he is in recovery, his health deteriorating at a rate that will not allow him to be with us much longer, is he has realized he as a person has never given society a chance because they never met him. They only met the drugs he was taking. I’ve recently learned the reality is my brother has more courage in his little finger than I could ever have in a lifetime.
I watched my brother listen intently as the doctors explained to him that the elective surgery he was about to undertake may well kill him. In fact the doctor told him “If I had to give you my top ten all time list of patients I would least like to operate on you would be on the top of the list”. You see, my brother recently fell and broke his hip due to a stroke which occurred from an operation back in September. The cause of the stroke was his failing livers ability to get his blood to clot. Nothing had changed in the past three months so the chance of another stroke with his new surgery was extremely high.
After hearing the doctor explain to him that surgery may well kill him but lack of surgery would mean he would never leave his bed again, my brother looked me in the eye and said “bro I’ve lived my whole life on drugs and I have to get out there and let people know how bad they are, I can’t accomplish that goal from bed” let’s do this thing.
So the next time you find yourself with your head in your hands feeling sorry for yourself, feeling sorry for someone else, wondering how life could be so unfair or how someone could do such a thing to you, don’t forget to ask yourself is what you are so worried about your perception or is it reality. And by all means if your worries involve another person make sure you talk to each other open and honestly about your perception and theirs because more often than not you will find you don’t disagree at all, you simply have different perceptions of reality.
Then when you’re done ask yourself was the advice I received as a young man really that bad?
As the story is told a young boy appears before his father with tears in his eyes. His father, a caring man asks his young son what’s the matter? The young boy tells his father that he has a paper due at school and is struggling mightily because he just can’t find the answers he needs and is afraid he will fail.
His father tells his young son to settle down, explain his problem and he assures him that he can help.
The boy wipes the tears from his eyes and explains to his dad that he needs to write a paper about the difference between perception and reality and he just can’t figure out the difference. Every time he thinks he knows he realizes that what he thought was true really was not.
His father tells his young son not to worry as the answer he seeks is really quite simple. He tells his son that his mom is down in the laundry room doing some laundry and tells him to go down and ask his mom if she would sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars.
A few moments later the young boy appears before his father and says mom said sure. The father smiles and tells his son his older sister is up in her room doing homework adding he should poke his head in her room and ask her the same question.
A few moments later the young boy returns to tell his father that his sister said yes as well.
So the father sits his young son down and tells him to listen carefully.
Son, the perception is we are millionaires; the reality is we live with a couple of sluts!
I never got a lot of advice growing up but one thing I was told was that it matters not what you really do, what matters is what people perceive you to do. I know many who will vehemently disagree with that advice but when you really look at it is it good or bad advice?
A corporation has a policy that states dating between co-workers is grounds for termination. A male and female employee enjoy each other’s company and conversation and find themselves going to lunch together every day. In no time at all the perception in the office is the two are having an affair. The reality is they are just friends and do nothing but talk and eat at lunch. Perception gets them terminated.
The difference between perception and reality often times gets so skewed that we ourselves begin to believe the perception we have and before we know it we think it’s reality.
Our perception is that the economy is horrible, everything that can go wrong is going wrong, and frankly our life just not fair right now. The reality is thousands of people just lost their lives and loved ones in an earthquake in Haiti and we should feel thankful that we were not there at the time.
Our perception is our boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, or significant other is totally in love with us and we will live happily ever after. The reality is they are in love alright but with somebody else.
I could go on and one with example after example and the perception would be that I make a great point but the reality is I’m not saying anything you don’t already know.
The difference between perception and reality is actually so important that two people can look at the very same set of circumstances and because their perception of what happened is different they have diametrically opposed opinions of what they believe to be true.
My father, may he rest in peace, and I did not speak for years. We were and are two hard headed Italians neither willing to give on our opinion of what we believed and neither willing to see the others point of view. My perception was my father didn’t care what happened to me, didn’t have time for me, was selfish, and only cared about him. His perception was I was a hard headed kid that didn’t want to listen, thought he was always right, and wouldn’t take his advice even if he gave it so why bother.
The reality turned out to be that what my father wanted was for me to learn to be independent, strong, and able to take of myself so his indifference or what I perceived to be his uncaring was really nothing more than his way to force me to think my problems through and figure out the solutions myself whereby learning not to rely on others to make it through life.
Many of you who know me know that I have a brother that has been a lifelong drug addict in and out of jail, shelters, and living on the streets. My perception of him has always been he was lazy, spineless, and ran away from life’s challenges via a bottle be it alcohol or drugs. His perception was that society didn’t understand him, he didn’t fit in, and he could not get along with people. The reality is, now that he is in recovery, his health deteriorating at a rate that will not allow him to be with us much longer, is he has realized he as a person has never given society a chance because they never met him. They only met the drugs he was taking. I’ve recently learned the reality is my brother has more courage in his little finger than I could ever have in a lifetime.
I watched my brother listen intently as the doctors explained to him that the elective surgery he was about to undertake may well kill him. In fact the doctor told him “If I had to give you my top ten all time list of patients I would least like to operate on you would be on the top of the list”. You see, my brother recently fell and broke his hip due to a stroke which occurred from an operation back in September. The cause of the stroke was his failing livers ability to get his blood to clot. Nothing had changed in the past three months so the chance of another stroke with his new surgery was extremely high.
After hearing the doctor explain to him that surgery may well kill him but lack of surgery would mean he would never leave his bed again, my brother looked me in the eye and said “bro I’ve lived my whole life on drugs and I have to get out there and let people know how bad they are, I can’t accomplish that goal from bed” let’s do this thing.
So the next time you find yourself with your head in your hands feeling sorry for yourself, feeling sorry for someone else, wondering how life could be so unfair or how someone could do such a thing to you, don’t forget to ask yourself is what you are so worried about your perception or is it reality. And by all means if your worries involve another person make sure you talk to each other open and honestly about your perception and theirs because more often than not you will find you don’t disagree at all, you simply have different perceptions of reality.
Then when you’re done ask yourself was the advice I received as a young man really that bad?
DOES GOD REALLY ALLOW BAD THINGS TO HAPPEN?
Every time I hear about health care, Obama Care, Pelosi care or whatever they call it up there in D.C., I just want to preach!! It will completely ruin my day if I continue to listen or read on the latest. I did just that a few weeks back when I traveled 2 1/2 hours from my house to my doctor to complete the last steps before my Lap Band surgery be scheduled. Friends, those of you who have stood by me since 2008 will know the depths of hell I have had to fight in order to get the respect, compassion and dignity I deserve and to receive the BEST care for illnesses that drs. for too long have misdiagnosed.
The last steps in preparation for my surgery that I was looking forward to was a 'teaching' class on how I will eat and what I will be allowed/not allowed to eat after my Lap Band is in place. Then Dr. Britt would meet with me privately to answer any questions I might have and to go over the procedure. Then third, I would be scheduled! When I got there to sign in, I handed the receptionist some last minute records from my doctor in Nashville and showed her a new insurance card I had received the month prior. When I showed her my card, she had the weirdest look on her face. It was a Blue Cross Blue Shield card. She took it to the insurance manager. Her manager came up to me and said that she thought I had Medicare. I told her that I do have it and this is a supplemental they sent me.
What happened was the most devastating, sickening and disheartened thing that could ever happen to a person. I was finally at the finish line and on this day I was the happiest I had been in so long. I have been disabled for 2 years and I could see me getting my life back. Medicare allowed BS/BC to screw me like they did other people. It didn't take much for me to cry their at the receptionist window feeling like an 18-wheeler had just ran over me!!!
Blue Cross Blue Shield is one of the biggest insurance companies in the world They can do anything they please; illegal or legal, and nobody can touch them! They had sent out a nice brochure at the end of April to many people on Medicare advertising that to join is free and is medicare approved. Like me and no telling how many thousands that received the same brochure, thought it was supplemental; extra help. It said nothing about Medicare will discontinue my insurance with them so BS/BC would be my primary. How this was advertised and many medical professionals who have seen this very brochure will all agree "what BS/BC is doing is illegal how they 'pitched' this to people and because they are BS/BC, they are untouchable, nobody can hold them accountable."
One of the nurses who saw how upset I was told me to go on outside, take a walk around the hospital, get me some water then come back so her and I could sit down and talk. She had already read my health history from doctor reports, met me months earlier and knew that I was very serious about the surgery; some one who wouldn't 'fall off the wagon' after wards. The whole time my mind is racing. I ran to the bathroom, fell to the floor and cried my eyes out. I wasn't sure what to make of this. I said to myself, "Lord, don't you like me anymore? Why did this happen? I was just an inch away from the finish line. I am exhausted and I can't take another huge blow right now. Why did You allow this to happen?"
I picked myself up, shaken and splashed cold water on my face. Then I walked a little while around the hospital to try to overcome the shock and to figure things out. As I walked (and not like I was sight seeing either) I began cursing, in my mind this shat health care system and that sorry son of a biscuit eater President along with his clowns not doing a thing to help people who are trying so hard to help themselves get healthy again. I thought, "Those sorry bastards will be sorry if I ever get elected a Congresswoman because I wont back down until things are fixed or I breathe my last breath." I felt like Scarlett O'Hara when she said as she waved her fist in the air, "As God is my witness I will never be hungry again!"
In the car I called Blue Cross Blue Shield and Medicare. I was slightly calmer, but I was very stern, holding back the tears and very determined to get this straightened out. Without any problems, my BS/BC was canceled and as of this Thursday (July 1) I will be back on Medicare. So on Thursday, my paperwork will be refilled, then within a week I am expecting to hear something from my doctor about when I come in to complete those last steps. Dr. Britt's office has me top priority to call and schedule immediately as soon as Medicare contacts them. My surgery will more and likely happen between mid to late July.
I could've easily given up. I could've easily just thrown my hands up in the air and said "The crap with it!" But I didn't!! That is not who I am. It's not easy to stand up to people (companies) who are bigger than us. It is also not easy to stand up face difficult circumstances that that come unexpectedly. I felt for just a short time that God had neglected me. When things go terribly wrong, we blame God. But when things go great, we praise God. But why is this such an issue? For one, we make an issue because as humans we sometimes loose sight of the whole picture when things don't go our way or things 'just' happen, like with me. Over the weekend after I had gotten some much needed rest from all the chaos that happened for just one day, The Lord and I had a chat. He told me to go through my Bible and look at passages I had already marked as important to me. Then as I read these scriptures, see how many promises I come across. When I come across a 'promise' that God made, circle it and write the letter 'P' besides that verse. As I did this, I didn't feel like I was in a dilemma anymore. Things fell into place and made more sense.
God is eternal, infinite, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. Why should human beings expect to be able to fully understand God’s ways? Nobody will ever know why we will never understand some of God's ways, but I know for certain God was reminding me that no matter what life throws at me, He will never leave me and He will always do what He promises He will do. When I hurt, He hurts too. When my heart is broken into tiny pieces, He feels that pain too. What I have to do is lean closer to Him, put it in His Hands and not become discouraged.
The book of Job deals with this issue of why bad things happen to good people. God had allowed Satan to do everything he wanted to Job except kill him. What was Job’s reaction? “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him” (Job 13:15). Job did not understand why God had allowed the things He did, but he knew God was good and therefore continued to trust in Him. Ultimately, that should be our reaction as well. ”Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Above all, however, we must remember that God is good, just, loving, and merciful. He draws me closer to Him and to Him I will rest in His Arms until the storm passes. He wants the very best for His children and when we continue to look up to Him, He will get us through the toughest times and rejoice with us in the sweetest of times.
The last steps in preparation for my surgery that I was looking forward to was a 'teaching' class on how I will eat and what I will be allowed/not allowed to eat after my Lap Band is in place. Then Dr. Britt would meet with me privately to answer any questions I might have and to go over the procedure. Then third, I would be scheduled! When I got there to sign in, I handed the receptionist some last minute records from my doctor in Nashville and showed her a new insurance card I had received the month prior. When I showed her my card, she had the weirdest look on her face. It was a Blue Cross Blue Shield card. She took it to the insurance manager. Her manager came up to me and said that she thought I had Medicare. I told her that I do have it and this is a supplemental they sent me.
What happened was the most devastating, sickening and disheartened thing that could ever happen to a person. I was finally at the finish line and on this day I was the happiest I had been in so long. I have been disabled for 2 years and I could see me getting my life back. Medicare allowed BS/BC to screw me like they did other people. It didn't take much for me to cry their at the receptionist window feeling like an 18-wheeler had just ran over me!!!
Blue Cross Blue Shield is one of the biggest insurance companies in the world They can do anything they please; illegal or legal, and nobody can touch them! They had sent out a nice brochure at the end of April to many people on Medicare advertising that to join is free and is medicare approved. Like me and no telling how many thousands that received the same brochure, thought it was supplemental; extra help. It said nothing about Medicare will discontinue my insurance with them so BS/BC would be my primary. How this was advertised and many medical professionals who have seen this very brochure will all agree "what BS/BC is doing is illegal how they 'pitched' this to people and because they are BS/BC, they are untouchable, nobody can hold them accountable."
One of the nurses who saw how upset I was told me to go on outside, take a walk around the hospital, get me some water then come back so her and I could sit down and talk. She had already read my health history from doctor reports, met me months earlier and knew that I was very serious about the surgery; some one who wouldn't 'fall off the wagon' after wards. The whole time my mind is racing. I ran to the bathroom, fell to the floor and cried my eyes out. I wasn't sure what to make of this. I said to myself, "Lord, don't you like me anymore? Why did this happen? I was just an inch away from the finish line. I am exhausted and I can't take another huge blow right now. Why did You allow this to happen?"
I picked myself up, shaken and splashed cold water on my face. Then I walked a little while around the hospital to try to overcome the shock and to figure things out. As I walked (and not like I was sight seeing either) I began cursing, in my mind this shat health care system and that sorry son of a biscuit eater President along with his clowns not doing a thing to help people who are trying so hard to help themselves get healthy again. I thought, "Those sorry bastards will be sorry if I ever get elected a Congresswoman because I wont back down until things are fixed or I breathe my last breath." I felt like Scarlett O'Hara when she said as she waved her fist in the air, "As God is my witness I will never be hungry again!"
In the car I called Blue Cross Blue Shield and Medicare. I was slightly calmer, but I was very stern, holding back the tears and very determined to get this straightened out. Without any problems, my BS/BC was canceled and as of this Thursday (July 1) I will be back on Medicare. So on Thursday, my paperwork will be refilled, then within a week I am expecting to hear something from my doctor about when I come in to complete those last steps. Dr. Britt's office has me top priority to call and schedule immediately as soon as Medicare contacts them. My surgery will more and likely happen between mid to late July.
I could've easily given up. I could've easily just thrown my hands up in the air and said "The crap with it!" But I didn't!! That is not who I am. It's not easy to stand up to people (companies) who are bigger than us. It is also not easy to stand up face difficult circumstances that that come unexpectedly. I felt for just a short time that God had neglected me. When things go terribly wrong, we blame God. But when things go great, we praise God. But why is this such an issue? For one, we make an issue because as humans we sometimes loose sight of the whole picture when things don't go our way or things 'just' happen, like with me. Over the weekend after I had gotten some much needed rest from all the chaos that happened for just one day, The Lord and I had a chat. He told me to go through my Bible and look at passages I had already marked as important to me. Then as I read these scriptures, see how many promises I come across. When I come across a 'promise' that God made, circle it and write the letter 'P' besides that verse. As I did this, I didn't feel like I was in a dilemma anymore. Things fell into place and made more sense.
God is eternal, infinite, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. Why should human beings expect to be able to fully understand God’s ways? Nobody will ever know why we will never understand some of God's ways, but I know for certain God was reminding me that no matter what life throws at me, He will never leave me and He will always do what He promises He will do. When I hurt, He hurts too. When my heart is broken into tiny pieces, He feels that pain too. What I have to do is lean closer to Him, put it in His Hands and not become discouraged.
The book of Job deals with this issue of why bad things happen to good people. God had allowed Satan to do everything he wanted to Job except kill him. What was Job’s reaction? “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him” (Job 13:15). Job did not understand why God had allowed the things He did, but he knew God was good and therefore continued to trust in Him. Ultimately, that should be our reaction as well. ”Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Above all, however, we must remember that God is good, just, loving, and merciful. He draws me closer to Him and to Him I will rest in His Arms until the storm passes. He wants the very best for His children and when we continue to look up to Him, He will get us through the toughest times and rejoice with us in the sweetest of times.
Will the 'Cycle' Be Unbroken?
Just recently a friend & I were discussing the funny, but true fact that you can't pick your relatives, but you can pick your friends. We spoke a little about the 'strange birds' in our own families. Then he told me about a movie that he remembered seeing several years ago that was the perfect example of that very fact- “we can't pick our family”. He highly recommended for me to see it. Since I first watched it a week ago, I have already seen it 3 other times this past week. It's one of those few movies of this century I give the 'WOW' rating. It gives several all too familiar scenarios of how unhealthy (and sometimes destructive) 'cycles' in families continue down the generation line until (if ever) is broken.
Watching this great movie, “City By the Sea,” is one of those movies that made me really 'think' about my own personal life experiences. I use my failures as a learning tool for others and building blocks for me. Although my experiences are nothing compared with the problems the main characters, Vincent and Joey are faced with, I have lived through my own personal 'cycle' that to this day, I am still growing from.
But what is 'The Cycle' exactly? It could be a vast number of things. People who grow up in dysfunctional family environments have difficulty setting boundaries to take care of themselves. This is how 'cycles' begin. Setting boundaries is one way to to ease the tension in our day to day lives with not only family, but with friends and co-workers too. First of all, what does it mean to set a boundary? It means that I respect myself and I will protect myself from inappropriate behavior. It means that I will use those boundaries to foster behavior that I need and desire. It means that I have set a physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual “space.” What boundaries are not walls. But in order for this to work, we have to make a commitment to uphold what is right and true for ourselves.
In the movie Joey makes the excuse that he has the violent 'genes' of his grandfather, Angelo who was convicted and executed for the murder of a kidnapping gone wrong. Joey's father, Vincent grows up without the love, support and positive guidance of his dad. After Vincent is married, Joey is old enough to remember his father hitting his mom when they would argue, his mom has an affair and his dad walks out the door when Joey is a small boy. By the time he is an adult, Joey is out on the streets doing drugs, staying drunk and gets convicted of murder. Then like his father, Joey walks out on his young son. Do you all see where I am going with this? See this 'Cycle'? When there is no intervention, there can be no healing. When there are no boundaries set, things will like a domino effect, continue out of control on down the family line.
Nobody, of course is perfect. And of course there are more and likely relatives in your own family whom you can't stand, those who are strange (you wonder if they might have been switched at birth) or have done something/s that has given the family a bad name. In that case, many families who have experienced or are going through this now; a horrible past that created a legacy that you wish could be erased, are either not mindfully aware they are keeping that poisonous 'legacy' alive, they are afraid of changing the behavior or they make excuses like “it's in my genes”. It is also partly a lack of understanding in society and educating oneself about the actions that keep the 'cycle' going- how to cope, manage and break those traits that have been 'passed down.' Because we are human and for no other reason, we have certain rights. However, each right carries with it a responsibility and a boundary.
We often do not know it, but did you know that we create our own 'cycles'? I define a 'cycle' as burdens. A great example of how we can stop our personal 'cycles' is by reading and understanding “The Serenity Prayer.” Do you really know what the Serenity Prayer is really talking about?
God grant me the serenity (this word meaning calm, tranquil & peaceful)
to accept the things I cannot change;
What are things I cannot Change? First of all, and I know this is difficult for many, but we cannot change people. We cannot change the way they feel about themselves. We cannot change their behaviors & their beliefs. We can encourage a person to change the way they feel about themselves (and others). We can encourage them to change their behavior or beliefs. But to try and change a person, going to great lengths to accomplish such a thing is a burden that we have created ourselves. I know this from experience.
I, myself, didn't realize that I was the one making myself miserable until a close friend of mine bluntly pointed this out to me. The first time I had ever heard of that word 'boundary,' was when I became overly concerned about his own life. I didn't like a few of his friends because I felt they were a bad influence on him. I felt this dire need to 'protect' my friend from getting hurt. In so many ways, I could see my brother in him and I didn't want him to make similar mistakes that he was already making in his own life. When my friend finally had enough of the constant exhausting 'concern' from me, he told me we are parting ways because I crossed too many boundaries. I expected too much of him, I didn't recognize that everyone has their own gift to contribute to our friendships, I was sometimes brutal with some of the comments I made to him about these friends I questioned. I had become judgmental and obsessed with worry that he was destroying his life.
Thus, I created my own unhealthy 'cycle'. He already has a sister and a mom that express their concerns about these friends of his and the questionable influence they have already made on him. What he needed from me in return was to just be a friend. Although the 'ways' of these friends are not consistent of living the Christian life that he talks about that he is, these things were of no concern of mine to try and 'change' him. To encourage is one thing, but to try and change a person is completely not acceptable no matter if the 'change' would be right or wrong for the well being.
For over a year this continued. I was so wrapped up in the 'cycle' that I had caused, I didn't realize why he become such a jerk to me on a regular basis, distant and sometimes cruel. Our conversations were no longer fun and our association was stressful all the time. When our friendship ended, we both said some things to each other that I wish could be taken back. If I had been aware of his boundaries, I would've never allowed my friend to cross mine. I had never defined for myself what mine are. Our friendship become something that we felt had to walk on pins and needles around each other. I miss this friend so much and I pray to this day that he and I, if God's Will allows it, to start over on a clean slate. I have already accepted that he may never be in my life again. I accept this difficult lesson learned and have moved on. God 'assigned' him certain gifts to offer our friendship; I never appreciated him enough because I was too 'involved' in his life to even notice.
I grew up in a dysfunctional home, but didn't ever know what it meant to set boundaries. Nobody in my family had any that I was aware of. I often wonder if there were some boundaries set, the Rogers household would've been more loving, respectful, accepting and securer to live in.
courage to change the things I can;
What kind of things would I need courage changing? Think of it this way, what things should be changed? For me, to continue my journey to a better me, I have the courage to change how I take care of myself. I have added exercise and become aware of food choices. I showed the courage when I had a meticulous surgery done in 2008 for Endometriosis. Since I have taken that first step to 'change' for better health, most of the health problems that disabled me most of my life have been resolved. I am continuing that 'courage' by getting my type 2 diabetes in control and loosing the weight that was put on during those years of sickness. I will have surgery that will make me more successful to live a longer and more productive life this month, which in turn I will have to learn before hand what I can and can't eat with Lap Band.
Other things that should (and can be changed) is the crisis going on in the Gulf, our monkey health care system and circus type governments we have. Everyday, people are trying to stop smoking, stop drinking or to change some kind of unhealthy behavior. People who stand up for animal rights, environmental concerns, volunteering in the community for an organization are things that take 'courage' to change.
and wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
I hope that this writing makes sense to you all. It was a challenge to write this because anytime we dig way deep in ourselves, we tend to dig where we haven't been before or discovered a place that we haven't had the 'courage' to take care of. It was a blessing and therapeutic that I wrote this. I hope it will be a blessing to you. And if you love drama and you are a fan of Robert DeNiro, watch “City By The Sea.” You'll be glad you did.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6
Watching this great movie, “City By the Sea,” is one of those movies that made me really 'think' about my own personal life experiences. I use my failures as a learning tool for others and building blocks for me. Although my experiences are nothing compared with the problems the main characters, Vincent and Joey are faced with, I have lived through my own personal 'cycle' that to this day, I am still growing from.
But what is 'The Cycle' exactly? It could be a vast number of things. People who grow up in dysfunctional family environments have difficulty setting boundaries to take care of themselves. This is how 'cycles' begin. Setting boundaries is one way to to ease the tension in our day to day lives with not only family, but with friends and co-workers too. First of all, what does it mean to set a boundary? It means that I respect myself and I will protect myself from inappropriate behavior. It means that I will use those boundaries to foster behavior that I need and desire. It means that I have set a physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual “space.” What boundaries are not walls. But in order for this to work, we have to make a commitment to uphold what is right and true for ourselves.
In the movie Joey makes the excuse that he has the violent 'genes' of his grandfather, Angelo who was convicted and executed for the murder of a kidnapping gone wrong. Joey's father, Vincent grows up without the love, support and positive guidance of his dad. After Vincent is married, Joey is old enough to remember his father hitting his mom when they would argue, his mom has an affair and his dad walks out the door when Joey is a small boy. By the time he is an adult, Joey is out on the streets doing drugs, staying drunk and gets convicted of murder. Then like his father, Joey walks out on his young son. Do you all see where I am going with this? See this 'Cycle'? When there is no intervention, there can be no healing. When there are no boundaries set, things will like a domino effect, continue out of control on down the family line.
Nobody, of course is perfect. And of course there are more and likely relatives in your own family whom you can't stand, those who are strange (you wonder if they might have been switched at birth) or have done something/s that has given the family a bad name. In that case, many families who have experienced or are going through this now; a horrible past that created a legacy that you wish could be erased, are either not mindfully aware they are keeping that poisonous 'legacy' alive, they are afraid of changing the behavior or they make excuses like “it's in my genes”. It is also partly a lack of understanding in society and educating oneself about the actions that keep the 'cycle' going- how to cope, manage and break those traits that have been 'passed down.' Because we are human and for no other reason, we have certain rights. However, each right carries with it a responsibility and a boundary.
We often do not know it, but did you know that we create our own 'cycles'? I define a 'cycle' as burdens. A great example of how we can stop our personal 'cycles' is by reading and understanding “The Serenity Prayer.” Do you really know what the Serenity Prayer is really talking about?
God grant me the serenity (this word meaning calm, tranquil & peaceful)
to accept the things I cannot change;
What are things I cannot Change? First of all, and I know this is difficult for many, but we cannot change people. We cannot change the way they feel about themselves. We cannot change their behaviors & their beliefs. We can encourage a person to change the way they feel about themselves (and others). We can encourage them to change their behavior or beliefs. But to try and change a person, going to great lengths to accomplish such a thing is a burden that we have created ourselves. I know this from experience.
I, myself, didn't realize that I was the one making myself miserable until a close friend of mine bluntly pointed this out to me. The first time I had ever heard of that word 'boundary,' was when I became overly concerned about his own life. I didn't like a few of his friends because I felt they were a bad influence on him. I felt this dire need to 'protect' my friend from getting hurt. In so many ways, I could see my brother in him and I didn't want him to make similar mistakes that he was already making in his own life. When my friend finally had enough of the constant exhausting 'concern' from me, he told me we are parting ways because I crossed too many boundaries. I expected too much of him, I didn't recognize that everyone has their own gift to contribute to our friendships, I was sometimes brutal with some of the comments I made to him about these friends I questioned. I had become judgmental and obsessed with worry that he was destroying his life.
Thus, I created my own unhealthy 'cycle'. He already has a sister and a mom that express their concerns about these friends of his and the questionable influence they have already made on him. What he needed from me in return was to just be a friend. Although the 'ways' of these friends are not consistent of living the Christian life that he talks about that he is, these things were of no concern of mine to try and 'change' him. To encourage is one thing, but to try and change a person is completely not acceptable no matter if the 'change' would be right or wrong for the well being.
For over a year this continued. I was so wrapped up in the 'cycle' that I had caused, I didn't realize why he become such a jerk to me on a regular basis, distant and sometimes cruel. Our conversations were no longer fun and our association was stressful all the time. When our friendship ended, we both said some things to each other that I wish could be taken back. If I had been aware of his boundaries, I would've never allowed my friend to cross mine. I had never defined for myself what mine are. Our friendship become something that we felt had to walk on pins and needles around each other. I miss this friend so much and I pray to this day that he and I, if God's Will allows it, to start over on a clean slate. I have already accepted that he may never be in my life again. I accept this difficult lesson learned and have moved on. God 'assigned' him certain gifts to offer our friendship; I never appreciated him enough because I was too 'involved' in his life to even notice.
I grew up in a dysfunctional home, but didn't ever know what it meant to set boundaries. Nobody in my family had any that I was aware of. I often wonder if there were some boundaries set, the Rogers household would've been more loving, respectful, accepting and securer to live in.
courage to change the things I can;
What kind of things would I need courage changing? Think of it this way, what things should be changed? For me, to continue my journey to a better me, I have the courage to change how I take care of myself. I have added exercise and become aware of food choices. I showed the courage when I had a meticulous surgery done in 2008 for Endometriosis. Since I have taken that first step to 'change' for better health, most of the health problems that disabled me most of my life have been resolved. I am continuing that 'courage' by getting my type 2 diabetes in control and loosing the weight that was put on during those years of sickness. I will have surgery that will make me more successful to live a longer and more productive life this month, which in turn I will have to learn before hand what I can and can't eat with Lap Band.
Other things that should (and can be changed) is the crisis going on in the Gulf, our monkey health care system and circus type governments we have. Everyday, people are trying to stop smoking, stop drinking or to change some kind of unhealthy behavior. People who stand up for animal rights, environmental concerns, volunteering in the community for an organization are things that take 'courage' to change.
and wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
I hope that this writing makes sense to you all. It was a challenge to write this because anytime we dig way deep in ourselves, we tend to dig where we haven't been before or discovered a place that we haven't had the 'courage' to take care of. It was a blessing and therapeutic that I wrote this. I hope it will be a blessing to you. And if you love drama and you are a fan of Robert DeNiro, watch “City By The Sea.” You'll be glad you did.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6
Friday, March 19, 2010
Spring
Warmer days has finally just begun
Butterflies, grasshoppers, bees and sun
Tulips, buttercups, dandelions, daisies
Gardening, spring break and tons of fun, fun, fun
I love the springtime because it's such a great time
Enjoy the outdoors to enjoy God's natural beauty
Cookouts, family gatherings, summer's coming and the 4th of July
Swimsuits, vacations, and outdoor movies with my friends & I
Sittin' outside on the back porch swing
Camp outs, fishin', sipping some sweet iced tea or some lemonade
School's out, Mother's Day, my birthday,Easter, ahhh spring!
Green grass, green trees, spring gets me excited, lets go out out & play
These are just some of my favorite thoughts
Go outside and soak in all the wonderful spring-like things God has brought.
Elizabeth J. Rogers
Spring 1999
Butterflies, grasshoppers, bees and sun
Tulips, buttercups, dandelions, daisies
Gardening, spring break and tons of fun, fun, fun
I love the springtime because it's such a great time
Enjoy the outdoors to enjoy God's natural beauty
Cookouts, family gatherings, summer's coming and the 4th of July
Swimsuits, vacations, and outdoor movies with my friends & I
Sittin' outside on the back porch swing
Camp outs, fishin', sipping some sweet iced tea or some lemonade
School's out, Mother's Day, my birthday,Easter, ahhh spring!
Green grass, green trees, spring gets me excited, lets go out out & play
These are just some of my favorite thoughts
Go outside and soak in all the wonderful spring-like things God has brought.
Elizabeth J. Rogers
Spring 1999
Educational Videos on Sexual Assualt Centers
This is where I discovered my voice. When I did, it felt so good!! I discovered strength and power inside me I didn't know I ever had. This place was like my 2nd home....I felt safe, but when I completed my survivors work, I had the most difficult time letting go of Eric and leaving the very place where I felt safe to release all that I had bottled up inside of me for so many years. I am a much happier woman for getting help at the Sexual Assault Center in Nashville. I am free and not afraid anymore. I went a victim, became survivor, graduated a thriver! You can too.
If you have unresolved issues with sexual abuse, don't be afraid to seek help at your local center. The abuse wants you to be silent. Discover your voice, be heard and don't let your experiences go untold. You deserve to be heard! Throw away the veil of shame and silence that covers your face. You are worthy!!
If you have unresolved issues with sexual abuse, don't be afraid to seek help at your local center. The abuse wants you to be silent. Discover your voice, be heard and don't let your experiences go untold. You deserve to be heard! Throw away the veil of shame and silence that covers your face. You are worthy!!
The Lifeguard
There was a Young Woman who went out for a swim. All of a sudden, the water got choppy and the currents carried her into deeper water. She was drowning. She called out for help. A Lifeguard on the beach heard her distressing cry. He ran out into the water and swam out to the Young Woman. Just as her head was fixing to go under, the Lifeguard grabbed hold of her worn out body. He told her to hold on, as he swam her to safety.
As the Lifeguard came out of the water, he carried the Young Woman to the shore. There on the beach, the Lifeguard gently sat the Young Woman down on the sand. She was shaken and crying. Still holding on to him, her eyes shut tight, the scared Young Woman said to the Lifeguard, "Please don't let go of me. I am so afraid." The Lifeguard said calmly to the Young Woman, "You are OK. You are safe. You will be alright. It is time to let go."
The Young Woman said to the Lifeguard, "I don't know how to let go. I am afraid that if I do what might happen." The Lifeguard said, "Young Woman, you can let go because you are no longer in the water. You have nothing to be afraid of. The water will not harm you anymore. I have to go back out into the water and rescue other people; it's my job." With her eyes slowly opening, her grip to him not as tight, he says, "You are safe. You are OK. You will be alright."
There was another Man on the beach that day. His name was Jesus. He walked up to the Young Woman and warmly said, "My child, You are OK. You are safe. You will be alright. Come,hold my Hand and let Me walk you home." The Young Woman looks at Jesus and asks, "Jesus, how can I let my Lifeguard go? He kept me from drowning. I am so afraid, what if I need him again?" With a smile on His face, Jesus lovingly looks at the Young Woman, and puts His hands gently on her teary face, "My child, the Lifeguard is one of my chosen servants. He was only doing his job; the job he was sent here to do. It is never easy letting go. If you don't let go, how can he go back out into the water and rescue others like you? You are safe. You are OK. You will be alright."
With tears in her eyes, the Young Woman smiles and finds her inner strength to let go. She says to her Lifeguard, "Thank you for risking your life rescue me. How will I ever be able to repay you?" The Lifeguard smiles and says to the Young Woman, "You can repay me by moving on with your life and living every moment to the fullest."
Jesus helps the Young Woman up on her feet and He tells her, "My child, it's time to go." As Jesus and the Young Woman are walking along the beach, the Young Woman looks back at the Lifeguard. As he is heading back into the water, he turns to look back at her; he smiles and shouts "Young Woman I am so very proud of you. You are very brave. Take care." The Lifeguard then went quickly back into the water. Like a small innocent child, the Young Woman looks up at Jesus as they are walking and says, "You know what Jesus" I am safe. I am OK. I will be alright as long as you are always walking by my side."
Dedicated to my 'Lifeguard,' Eric. I gave him this story I had written personally for him for Christmas 2005. This a 'Thank You' for guiding me to conquer on my own, the difficult survivor issues related to my past childhood sexual abuse, that I was scared to face for so long. I am now free because I dealt with it, with perseverance, valor, the counsel of my 'Lifeguard' and the guidance of my Jesus. God Bless these faithful 'servants' who are dedicated to helping other people daily who know the devastating trauma and effects of such a evil.
Elizabeth Jean Rogers~Scott
As the Lifeguard came out of the water, he carried the Young Woman to the shore. There on the beach, the Lifeguard gently sat the Young Woman down on the sand. She was shaken and crying. Still holding on to him, her eyes shut tight, the scared Young Woman said to the Lifeguard, "Please don't let go of me. I am so afraid." The Lifeguard said calmly to the Young Woman, "You are OK. You are safe. You will be alright. It is time to let go."
The Young Woman said to the Lifeguard, "I don't know how to let go. I am afraid that if I do what might happen." The Lifeguard said, "Young Woman, you can let go because you are no longer in the water. You have nothing to be afraid of. The water will not harm you anymore. I have to go back out into the water and rescue other people; it's my job." With her eyes slowly opening, her grip to him not as tight, he says, "You are safe. You are OK. You will be alright."
There was another Man on the beach that day. His name was Jesus. He walked up to the Young Woman and warmly said, "My child, You are OK. You are safe. You will be alright. Come,hold my Hand and let Me walk you home." The Young Woman looks at Jesus and asks, "Jesus, how can I let my Lifeguard go? He kept me from drowning. I am so afraid, what if I need him again?" With a smile on His face, Jesus lovingly looks at the Young Woman, and puts His hands gently on her teary face, "My child, the Lifeguard is one of my chosen servants. He was only doing his job; the job he was sent here to do. It is never easy letting go. If you don't let go, how can he go back out into the water and rescue others like you? You are safe. You are OK. You will be alright."
With tears in her eyes, the Young Woman smiles and finds her inner strength to let go. She says to her Lifeguard, "Thank you for risking your life rescue me. How will I ever be able to repay you?" The Lifeguard smiles and says to the Young Woman, "You can repay me by moving on with your life and living every moment to the fullest."
Jesus helps the Young Woman up on her feet and He tells her, "My child, it's time to go." As Jesus and the Young Woman are walking along the beach, the Young Woman looks back at the Lifeguard. As he is heading back into the water, he turns to look back at her; he smiles and shouts "Young Woman I am so very proud of you. You are very brave. Take care." The Lifeguard then went quickly back into the water. Like a small innocent child, the Young Woman looks up at Jesus as they are walking and says, "You know what Jesus" I am safe. I am OK. I will be alright as long as you are always walking by my side."
Dedicated to my 'Lifeguard,' Eric. I gave him this story I had written personally for him for Christmas 2005. This a 'Thank You' for guiding me to conquer on my own, the difficult survivor issues related to my past childhood sexual abuse, that I was scared to face for so long. I am now free because I dealt with it, with perseverance, valor, the counsel of my 'Lifeguard' and the guidance of my Jesus. God Bless these faithful 'servants' who are dedicated to helping other people daily who know the devastating trauma and effects of such a evil.
Elizabeth Jean Rogers~Scott
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